There are only two circumstances under which anyone has any say on how I should behave or live my life – if you’re paying me, or if you’re fucking me. Period.
Nah. Live from my man cave in good ol’ Regina, it’s Saturday night. Not much happening lately (clearly – I’m home at 10:10 on a Saturday night). I started two new medications this past week, finally going to get my ass off the poison that was Cymbalta. It was prescribed in October 2008 for Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety disorder. Turns out, it relieves depression and anxiety because it’s really just a pain killer, designed for Diabetic Neuropathy, among other things. My family doc put me on Wellbutrin XR on Thursday, which hits totally different neurotransmitters than the Cymbalta did. They’re apparently prescribed in combination, but I can’t see myself taking the Cymbalta again. Even on 150 of Wellbutrin I feel way better than I ever did on that other garbage, I have FAR more energy, I’m more alert, and generally just way happier, even after only two doses. Mind you, that could be because I accidentally took a higher dose of the Wellbutrin for my first dose than I was supposed to. Heh. Ooops. I worked a four and a half hour shift Friday and you could have cut my head off at the shoulders and I would have found a way to laugh as my head was hitting the floor. I was FLYING. I felt better than I had in years. Still do. We’ll see how I do tomorrow, I haven’t taken a Cymbalta at all since Thursday and I’m having mild withdrawal symptoms but really nothing severe at all. Mild “brain zaps” (imagine your head being plugged into a car battery every time you move your eyes and the jolt you might get in your head), but that’s really it. No headaches, absolutely NO anxiety to speak of, which shocks me to be quite frank. I figured that even on the new drug there’d be a little bit of anxiety creeping in here and there but there’s really been none.
The OTHER development medically which probably makes me happiest is the fact that the docs finally started treating me for Low Testosterone. I now wonder if that’s the reason why I’ve been depressed and moody so much, even with the aid of a supposed “antidepressant” for four years or so. I’m on so many medications, any number of them could drop my T level, and it was well below the clinical normal range, so I’m juicing once a month..haha! 200mg (1ml) injected into my hip monthly for at least three months and we’ll see what happens. The big joke I make is that if I start telling people that I want to punch something and then fuck it, don’t worry, it’s just the Testosterone kicking in. Ha.
Otherwise, the more things change the more they stay the same. Taking my bestest buddy out for dinner for her birthday on Tuesday. I love that woman but she’s too humble for her own good “noo..just a nice dinner with a good friend is all I need”. Fine. I’ll take the Porsche back ;-). If you read this, you will wear the horns. Oh yes, you will wear the horns ;-).
Good Saturday Morning, my minions!
I like to write. That’s why I started this blog, but it’s taken me a LONG time to actually get to the first posting. I really have no idea what direction this will take, much like I often times feel like I don’t know which direction my head is spinning in. Hopefully this blog will help sort some of that out.
I had a conversation awhile back with one of my co-workers and we were talking about writing and poetry because I used to do some free form stuff, just on my own, for nobody to see. I happened to mention that the process of writing really only happens for me when my head’s in a dark place, and she asked why, and I said it’s because happiness is often so fleeting for me that I want to enjoy those moments instead of sitting down and analyzing them.
Hopefully that’s what this blog will be. A way to sort my head out, a way to give others a glimpse into my head, but to do it in a cogent way that doesn’t provoke the sympathy of others. I never seek sympathy, I seek empathy and answers, if nothing else.
So where’s my head at this morning? It’s floating around pondering various conversations I’m having with people or have had with people over the last 24 hours or so, deciding what I want to do with my day, figuring stuff out.
A friend of mine just messaged me telling me that someone they know has cancer. They apparently have had issues with this person in their past and the text came totally out of nowhere. My advice (and my advice to anyone who is dealing with something similar) is to never deny someone a lifeline in a time of crisis. As someone who has dealt with chronic illnesses of my own, it’s a pretty lonely place. In my case, it continues to be that way, many times (which I suppose is why I think times of genuine happiness are so fleeting). I had a kidney transplant in 2002, was on dialysis for 29 months prior, nearly died twice.
When I get sick, as I have been the last couple weeks, I often think of my own mortality, things left unaccomplished, fantasies unfulfilled, the “bucket list”, and it sinks me into a deep hole of wonder and despair. Will I ever accomplish anything, or will I constantly be a victim of my own less-than-ideal body? Working out helps, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m immune suppressed and get sick more easily than others.
My saving graces? Friendships. “Flirtationships”, in some cases (there’s a new word for some of you ;-)). Work. Politics, strangely enough. A depth of compassion for others that doesn’t always suit people but it’s something that I pride myself on in a world that seems awfully cold sometimes. Music. Fantasy. There is hope in the middle of vast moments of despair.
What else is on my mind? Lots, actually. Sex. Love. American politics (which I’ve developed an almost unholy fascination with). How people treat others who may be different. I was born with a physical disability in addition to all the other stuff. Thinking about relationships. I constantly find myself wondering what it must be like to be able to walk into a room, confident that you could (in theory) walk out with any member of the opposite sex you wanted. I used to have that, before I got sick in the late 90s. Or, I think I did. It used to be a hell of alot easier for me to bond with people than it is now. Some people call it swagger. Maybe it’s just charisma. I don’t know. I just know that it doesn’t come nearly as easily for me now as it once did. Maybe it’s because I’ve thrown walls up. That’s such a fucking clichee…”walls” – but it’s true. Brick by brick, they’re there. I find myself slowly backing away from the idea of ever being romantic or intimate again, because every time I think someone’s interested, I find out that I’ve read them wrong and they’re just “being nice”.
I joked with one of my best friends on the planet (and a woman who is truly one of my saving graces) last night that I’m going to take a permanent vow of celibacy because there’s just no point in putting myself out there anymore. People lose chemistry with others over a period of weeks or months – for me? It’s 24 hours (LOL that’s a true story). I’ve had one date in just over four years, and immediately after the date was over she sent me an email outlining all the reasons why I was totally wrong for her. HA. She said I shouldn’t do that. I see her point, I think, but walling off is becoming so much easier than leaving myself out there for pain.
Speaking of American politics – you, my friends south of the 49th parallel, have less than six days to get your shit together before some huge, unnecessary spending cuts take place. Your economy is recovering. You are NOT piling on more debt under Barack Obama. Yes, the debt is increasing, but it’s because you’ve refused to pay the bills left in the wake of two completely fucking unnecessary wars that you waged on the basis of nothing more than a LIE. Now you sit here, six days away from slashing 85 billion dollars from your economy because you, on the right side of the aisle, took a solemn vow to block anything that your duly elected President tries to do to make your country a better place. It’s not the Obamaquester, as Repubs. have so ardently tried to claim. It’s as much about Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner’s desire to stymie the growth of the economy based on the fallacy of “Trickle Down Economics”.
First of all, raising the minimum wage will NOT stunt job growth. Paying your workers more leads to more productive workers which leads to more money coming in, and it’ll EASILY offset any dent in profit that might be caused by a dollar-an-hour wage hike. Your unemployment rate is (give or take) 8 percent or so (according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics for January 2013). You want to lower the unemployment rate? Incentivize people to apply for work by offering better starting wages. Hell, even a $9 minimum wage still leaves a family below the poverty line. Is that what you want in the “greatest country on earth”?
Slashing 85 billion dollars from your economy, particularly in the area of defense spending (now don’t get me wrong, I’m generally a pacifist), will cause a spike in the jobless rate, which will cause a slowing down of the economy (if people don’t have jobs, they don’t have money to spend into the economy) which will cause (short term, in the best case scenario) market issues. You’re coming out of a recession and you stupidly want to drive yourselves into another one? Shake your heads.
This is going too all-over-the place. Think I better shut this post down for now. More soon.